Juliet jumped and danced and played on table with Kylie. And had this conversation with Megan:
M: How old are you going to be on your birthday?
J: Old!
everyone laughs
M: High-five!
they slap hands
J: Boom!
Finn ignored Mommy when she got home from work because he was too sleepy and only wanted to laugh for Mack and Bampa.
Posted in Finn's 1st year, Juliet's 2nd year | Tagged Adventures in parenting, Finn, Finn's 1st year, Juliet's 2nd year, Juliet's vocabulary, the amazing Juliet! | Leave a Comment »
For Christmas 2008, Perrin got Jack a pajama set. The pants are still worn today. The top? Well, let’s just say, this was what that looked like:
Posted in Zero Vanity Series | Tagged zero vanity | 1 Comment »
At the zoo, Juliet became obsessed with the reindeer. Perrin did not actually know that reindeer were real animals until last December. Oops. Juliet paced back and forth with the reindeer until he retired into his little shelter. Then, she stood, cheering for him to reemerge. She did not succeed, but she really liked rocking the wire while she “encouraged” him.
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I have a running list in my head of all the things that will indicate to me that I successfully parented Juliet and Finn the way that I wanted. I have a very clear vision of the people that I would like them to be, the characteristics that I would like them to possess, and all that I hope to teach them. Among my goals for J and F are that they end up:
I am sure there are a ton more, but those are coming to mind now. If the above comes true, then I will think that we were amazing parents. I think this makes my next confession a million times worse. I truly hate this about myself and I feel so mortified to admit these feelings.
I really like when people compliment us on Juliet’s and Finn’s advanced skills and their cuteness levels. Yes. I really did just say that. There is one condition though — I actually only like it when the compliments come from people we do not know well. If someone close to us says how ahead Juliet or Finn is, I often feel sheepish or embarrassed.
Still, I get so prideful when someone compliments my kiddos.
Then, suddenly, I have visions of myself standing over Juliet and Finn at the dining room table, forcing them to study, study, study on a Friday night, because don’t I want to have the smartest, most amazing children ever?!?! And, I never want to be like that. I would so much rather Juliet and Finn be in the middle of the pack and so happy, then number ones and have to work so hard to get there. I just get nervous that it will never end.
What if I get addicted to the praise? What if I become someone that I really loathe? Where do I draw the line? I don’t want to be forcing Juliet to start reading. I don’t want to practice talking with Finn, over and over again, so that he will be the earliest talker ever. Juliet is advanced. She always has been. It has been through zero effort on our parts. I truly believe that it is our responsibility to give Juliet and Finn the opportunity to grow and learn, then get out of their way. If they develop fast, then it is on their own schedule. If they develop slower, then still, that is what works best for them. Finn and Juliet both rolled over very early. We just gave them tummy time, ten minutes a day, every day, after we got out of the hospital. We followed the recommended guidelines and we stood back. They rolled when they were ready. Juliet’s talking is all her. We just talk to her and with her and read to her. Her language develops at its own pace.
Still, where do we draw the line? I just keep asking myself that. Will people expect Juliet to read early because she is advanced now? Will we feel pressure to show that she is still so wonderful and force her to practice reading every day? I really hope not. I really, really, really hope not. But, I worry we will feel disappointed if her development slows down. Would we miss the praise? Would we wonder where we went wrong? Logistically, I know that is ridiculous. If Juliet was a year behind on her milestones or a year ahead, there would be no difference in our skills as parents. Juliet being advanced makes us no better or worse parents than Juliet being delayed. AND, to us, Juliet’s development level has nothing to do with how wonderful she is. I know that we would love her every bit as much if she were unable to walk or talk right now. I would still think she is the most fantastic human to be on this earth. I know that. Still, it is hard not to let the praise go to your head and let it make you think you are more special than you really are. It is hard not to be like, “Woohoo! We are awesome because Juliet is awesome! We are great because Finn is strong! Woohoo!”
I do not want to start attaching our feelings of worth to their accomplishments. We do not now, but what if we start to? I want to have enough boundaries to find pride in the things that I have control over (my accomplishments, my life) and let go of the things that are in the control of others (the kiddos). And, I will always feel prideful towards my kids. Because, again, they could lie in a ball and drool and I really would think it was the best thing ever. Sometimes, Finn will just gnaw on his hand and look off into space and Jack and I sit and praise him and shout that he is just the cutest baby ever, ever, ever. We are those people. If Juliet and Finn have severe learning disabilities and are in special education classes and not even ranked at graduation, then I would be as equally great of a parent as if they were 50th in their high school class or as if they were 1st. I know this. I am just so scared that I will lose sight of it because I feel happy when people comment that Juliet has a lot of words for a 22-month-old or that Finn weight bears in his legs really well.
And, I hate that about myself.
Even worse, I like when people say that Juliet is beautiful or that Finn is an exceptionally cute baby. (People often say handsome, but I am trying to get away from the gender bias! Didn’t you read yesterday’s post?!?!) I get this little boost like, “Yay! We did make cute kids!” I know that it is tied into my self-esteem issues. I am working on it. Very hard. But, what if they stop being cute or become severely overweight? Will I push them because I want people to still think that I have beautiful children? Will I feel like I have failed if Finn is overweight or Juliet has acne? Will I be embarrassed? Will I be ashamed? Will I be talking to them about exercising more, even if they already play sports and run every day? Will I be telling Juliet that she looks to heavy in an outfit or that maybe she would want to wear make-up? Again, I really hope not. I am just so scared. What kind of person does that make me that I like that people think Juliet and Finn are cute?
I like the external validation more than I ever thought I would. External validation is basically my major Achilles’ heel in all aspects of my life. I knew that about many things, but not about my children. I guess it is good that I keep working and trying to improve and be who I want to be. Rather than be proud of their scholastic achievements and of their looks, I want to be proud of my parenting and the children I raise. I refuse to hijack my childrens’ childhood in order to fulfill needs in myself.
Dear Perrin-of-the-future,
Remember the bullet points from earlier in the post. Those are what really matter to you. Try not to loose sight of who you are and who you want to be. You do not want to have your children sobbing hysterically or lying to you because they got a B on a test and they are so scared that they let you done. You also do not want them to always worry about being perfect or being the best or going a million miles a minute. Teach them the beauty in rest.
Love,
Perrin-of-today
Dear Finn and Juliet-of-the-future,
Be kind. Be loving. Grow. Change. Adapt. Appreciate the small and the big. Smile. Care. Care about yourself, others, the earth. Love. Love every day. Live with passion. Take risks. Test, and know, your boundaries. Have integrity. Love more.
If you try to do, or even can do, these things, your father and I are the proudest parents in the world.
Love,
Mommy-of-Today
Posted in Life Ramblings, Parenthood | Tagged Adventures in parenting, conflicts, Finn, the amazing Juliet! | 2 Comments »
Juliet shouted her name while we were singing to everyone else in Take Two, she refused to nap and then slumped over the second we got in the car at 3pm, and she got a drum.
Finn got a massage from Mommy and laughed every time Juliet kissed his face.
Posted in Finn's 1st year, Juliet's 2nd year | Tagged Finn, Finn's 1st year, Juliet's 2nd year, Juliet's vocabulary, the amazing Juliet! | 1 Comment »
On August 14th, 2009, Juliet went to the zoo for the first time. Megan and I took her on a free day at the Stone Zoo. It was hot. It was insane. Literally, people took up every inch of the sidewalk. I clearly made a horrible choice bringing the BOB stroller with us. We had to park a mile away, illegally. Still, it was an unbelievably fun day. I was bursting from happiness. Megan and I kept taking Juliet out of her stroller and holding her so she could see the animals. She barely registered that there were monkeys! otters! reindeer! cougars! She liked the meerkats and the emperor tamarins. We got to go into a special area and see some rescued animals. I have such amazing memories from that day. I will confess that part of those memories are because we went to a delicious lobster bake at Jack’s boss’ house and I took a pregnancy test that came back positive (why did I even waste the money on the test? That pimple on my chin should have told me I was pregnant!), but a ton of the happiness comes from the zoo memories.
Jack and I bought a zoo membership almost immediately. We went throughout the fall and the winter. We went on a triple kiddo date in December and Juliet got to sit next to reindeer. On Labor Day of last year, we went to the Franklin Park Zoo, despite the fact that I was so nauseated that I could barely move. We ate chicken fingers for lunch and it was one of the only meals that I did not violently throw up in all of last September. I still smile remembering that day and the brief respite I got from my hyperemesis. Sometimes, I get really sad thinking about the animals at the zoo, because I do feel so conflicted about all of it, but I am just embracing the trips to the zoo now and I will talk with Finn and Juliet about the complicated issues later.
On Sunday, we spent a majority of the day cooking. Juliet took a ridiculously early nap (from 9:45-12:15) and we did not know what to do with that. I was frustrated that Jack had done a poor job of organizing all of the cooking and it felt like we were wasting so much time. I was grumpy and anxious to enjoy the day. After we made 4 different meals to freeze, I begged for us to get out of the house. We were going to dinner at Claire and Lucas’ at 6 and I did not want to sit around waiting for 6 to arrive. We decided to head to the zoo. We also made a bold decision — we did not bring a stroller for Juliet.
For the first time in all of our zoo trips, Juliet truly got what it was all about. She realized that there were animals! That she could see! And talk to! And pace with! And point to! Everything was SO MUCH FUN for her and, honestly, that attitude is intensely contagious. I do not think I stopped smiling once the whole visit. Okay, that is a blatant lie — a zoo employee (zoo keeper???) stood next to me to feed the coyotes with whom Juliet was madly in love. I tried signaling to Jack that we needed to move on as fast as possible but he did not see me. I could tell there were animals in her hands. Then, I had to stand next to her as she threw dead mice to the coyotes. I did not smile through this experience. I walked around with Finn, so Jack was mainly on Juliet watch. He would look back at me with the largest grin. We were in heaven and so was Juliet. Also, the jaguar was pacing back and forth with such a menacing step. Then, suddenly, s/he stopped, made eye contact with me for one minute straight, just staring at me, then went back to pacing. I was slightly concerned. I was even more concerned when the cougar did the exact same thing to me.
juliet was very pensive at the start of the visit. she also brought snow white with us.
she loved the reindeer
and cheered for him to come out and play
juliet pressed her hand up to the glass and screamed “monkey! monkey swinging!” loud enough for the entire park to hear. we also did not have the heart to tell her they were actually gibbons.
the jaguar who threatened my life
juliet spent a very long time looking at a snake. this provide paternity and made me question my maternity.
juliet loved the mice eating incident. blech.
jack and i love llamas (seriously, watch The Emperor’s New Groove!)
and, of course, our baby bear loves the bears
Finn slept until we got to the coyotes and I think my rapid heartbeat and sweating woke him up because he could tell that I was freaking out.
I often think about how mundane our lives must seem to those without children. Who gets excited about an hour at the zoo? Sometimes, I chide myself for not thinking of more fun, more adventurous, wilder things for us to do. But, honestly, few things top having the pleasure of watching someone experience and express pure, unbridled joy. It is infectious and it spreads quickly and I would take these moments over any other ones ever offered to me.
Posted in Finn's 1st year, Juliet's 2nd year | Tagged Adventures in parenting, Juliet's 2nd year, the amazing Juliet! | 2 Comments »
I have been thinking a lot about myself as a parent. I have been wondering if I am the parent that I want to be, if I am the parent I thought I would be, and if I am actually the parent that I think I am. I am not sure where I land on the answers to all my questions, but I have realized two startling and slightly upsetting disparities. In two areas, I like to think that I am much different (and, in my opinion, much better) than I really am. The realization has been surprising and disappointing and I am just trying to process it all. So, why not process it my thoughts in a two part series “Holding up a Mirror”??
I always thought that I would not have a gender bias in raising my children. With Juliet, I do not think I have noticed one at all. Blue diapers? No problem! Button down shirts and jeans? Go for it! Trucks? Sports? Climbing? Rough-n-tumble behavior? Check, check, check, and check! I have never, for a single second, felt like something was not appropriate for her because she was a girl. Through Juliet, I also learned that a lot of preference is nature. I always thought that girls loved dolls and dresses and pink and frills because of nurture. Now, I am strongly questioning that belief. We try to get her to like trucks or be interested in emergency vehicles or planes and, 99% of the time, Juliet has zero interest. Juliet has shown a love for babies and skirts and tea parties from a startlingly young age. I try to point out construction vehicles to her every day and she never even turns away from what she is doing. She would so much rather watch a bird fly onto a power line than watch a firetruck drive down the street. It amazes me.
When the ultrasound tech told us we were having a boy, as I choked back my sadness, Jack sat and mimed to me that he was going to play sports with our son. The tech left the room and Jack said, “I was pretending to play baseball with Bear Cub!” I flipped out on him and breathed fire saying, “YOU CAN PLAY BASEBALL WITH JULIET!” I told Leslie about this later and she was equally offended at the suggestion that sports fun was for boys only. I have always maintained a “anything a son can do, Juliet can do [too]“.
I started reading studies about how parents raise girls and boys differently. There is such an emphasis on a lack of empathy in boys. The stereotypes are pervasive in our society — men do not cry, men do not talk about feelings, men do not show emotion, men are strong, men are tough. I read a study about how, if a little girl asks her mom why another kid is crying, then mother will give an explanation about how the kid is sad about something and how s/he is having a hard time. If a little boy asks the same mother the same question, she is much more likely to respond with a groan and say something like, “I don’t know why s/he is crying! Mind your own business!” I made it my mission to treat our growing son with the same attention to empathy and emotion that I show towards Juliet. I wanted Bear Cub to be extraordinary.
I actually think that I will do a great job in talking to Finn about feelings and teaching him about sensitivity. I truly do not believe that there should be a gender difference with emotion. I thought that that would translate into all areas of raising a son. If Juliet can do anything that Finn can do, shouldn’t the reverse be true?
That is when I realized that I do have a gender bias. My realizations came while I was painting my toes one night. I wondered if Finn would noticed my painted nails someday the way Juliet notices them. She shows an interest and I know I will be painting her nails regularly soon. I thought to myself, “What do I say if Finn wants his nails painted?” Do I tell him that that is something only girls do? Why is it that only girls paint their nails? What if Finn wants to paint his nails? Why is that wrong? It is clearly against societal norms, but why is that what is normal? Why is it so wrong for Finn to have colorful nails? If I tell a two-years-old boy that he cannot paint his nails, then am I just perpetuating this discrimination? If we teach girls that nothing is off limits for them, then why are we teaching boys that they cannot do everything a girl can do? Why is the sky the limit for girls but boys can only do things that are not too feminine? And, this is zero percent about a hetero/homosexual bias. I do not think that having colored nails or wearing pink makes a guy gay (and I hate that phrase). I would actually love for Jack to wear pink and purple. I ask him to all the time and he never obliges. How rude!
From my internal debate, you would think that I decided it would be great to paint Finn’s toes if he wanted. Objectively, it would. I always thought that I would be the type of parent who did things like that. But, honestly, I would feel uncomfortable. I would be embarrassed in public. I would think it was odd. I think part of it is worrying about judgment from others, but part is clearly internal. I also feel sheepish when Finn is wearing his pink diapers out in public. I feel like I am disgracing my son. I get really nervous that other people will see and think we are such crazy parents. I have no problem with Juliet in blue diapers — I do not even notice it! But, Finn in pink makes me uncomfortable.
I never thought that I would be like this. I am disappointed in myself. The worst part? I do not want to be the one to teach him about all of these horribly unfair norms. I want him to just pick up the cues himself and adapt. Ugh. I am disgusted just writing it out. I want to raise a sensitive, empathetic man who does not wear skirts or hot pink. Ugh. I could keep saying that. Ugh.
I do not want this to be me. I will not let this be me. I think that it is going to take a lot of work on my part to change.
No worries! In tomorrow’s part of this series, I am going to reveal something of which I am even more ashamed.
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Juliet ran around Lightning Bugs with 9 other children and they all laughed hysterically as they made lap after lap around the room.
Finn ate his feet a lot.
Posted in Finn's 1st year, Juliet's 2nd year | Tagged Finn, Finn's 1st year, Juliet's 2nd year, the amazing Juliet! | 1 Comment »
I was reading some ridiculous women’s magazine that had health tips in it. One of those magazines at the check-out line in the grocery store. It was probably Women’s World Weekly. Is that what it is called? I was in that magazine once, a couple of years ago, to talk about my headaches and how massage/muscular therapy helped me. It was 2 years before I became a massage therapist! But I digress. The magazine promised weight loss and enhanced moods and everything you want and more! I rolled my eyes as I read the article, but some part of it resonated with me. The basic gist was that dehydration causes a lot of problems in the body. The author of the article highlighted several case studies where people went to their doctors with serious concerns. For all of them, part of their healing process was better hydrating their bodies. The author and featured MDs argued that dehydration deprives the cells and this contributes to an entire body depression.
I was intrigued and so I started monitoring my water intake, my caffeine intake, and my moods. I have found that basically every single time I am in a funk or a downer mood that I am also in desperate need of water. My saddest days are ones where I have a lot of caffeine and very little water. I get depressed for no reason and nothing can seem to lift my mood. Since reading the article, I have been treating these mysterious blues with lots of water and it really helps! I get sad-moody rarely, but more often on the weekends, when I have more access to caffeine. I finally figured out a pattern and a solution! YES! I had to share.
Also, (unsolicited advice! unsolicited advice!) I have been doing Pilates lately. It is amazing and challenging and I can feel my body changing. Tonight, during class, I just kept thinking that I wish I had done Pilates on a consistent, long-term basis before getting pregnant. I think that having a strong Pilates background would help so much with pregnancy and childbirth (and recovery!). I would totally recommend looking into it if you hope to get pregnant in the next couple of years. I have been doing some yoga too, and I love it, and I think that would be fantastic during pregnancy, but I think Pilates would be an awesome foundation prior to pregnancy.
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we have you until October, but i am already getting anxious about your impending departure.
i have so looked forward to you every saturday.
juliet gets anxious too
jack makes lists
and checks them twice a million times
i wear finn
and push juliet
we make shadows
i love your colors
i love seeing juliet’s hair against your spoils
jack does the paying
while we watch the musicians and sing along
we spend $60 without thinking twice or feeling any remorse
thank you for the best start to saturday
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